oh dear. oh dear oh dear oh dear.

so we're now at week 10 of the Michelle Bridges program.  And yet again i have failed.

i failed to follow the meal plans.

i failed to follow the exercise plans.

i failed to fully clean out my kitchen. 

i thought i wouldn't be tempted by the biscuits i kept for my girls.

and for the better part i wasn't.

all i do is self sabotage.

after the birth of bug, my way of coping with 2 little ones and being on my own a lot was to have a red bull and chocolate. every day.

that habit is still going, even though bug will be 2 in august.

and i thought i had the PND under control.

turns out i was wrong. the red bull and chocolate is a big bad expensive habit.

i actually think smoking is cheaper.

i haven't crunched the numbers. i am too scared of the truth.

so what has really kept me from achieving my goal? my goal for round 1 was to lose 7 kilos. 

i think my attitude of 'i don't really need to lose weight' has had something to do with it.  

for a while there, the better part of my wardrobe was fitting me. 

sure, i had a small muffin top going on, but i could hide it with the right clothing.

did i feel comfortable? NO.

i love exercise. i love the endorphin rush it gives me. step is my absolute favorite class.

i had started doing the lean & strong section of the program. 

i was enjoying the new way of using weights.

i loved seeing myself in the mirror, doing the lateral raises, or barbell curls. 

you could actually SEE my muscles. and boy, did they have some shape!

i have tricep muscle definition! the hardest muscle in the body to define, and i can SEE mine!

yes, i can only see it when i flex it, which i am not all that good at. but it's there!

so what went wrong?

i enjoyed cooking the meals. not all of them. 

love the cajun chicken with sweet potato wedges and avocado and tomato salad. mmmmm.

i honestly don't like cooking tho. i seriously couldn't be bothered half the time.

and that attitude has lead me to eating macca's more times than ever. 

so feeling a little lost, and also numb at what i need to do to get myself back on track.

i know what needs to be done - calorie count like a mathematician. 

get my hrm sorted out. bastard of a thing is failing me after 11 months! time for a service....

and just don't think. michelle speaks of 'paralysis but analysis'. boy. i get that big time!

it's easter this weekend.....i'm not going to say no to chocolate all together. 

time to put the food in the 'moderation' box of the health pyramid back to just that - moderation food, not everyday food!

i'm also going to be making sure i do some sort of movement over the long weekend. 

whether it's a run on my own, which i think i enjoy.....

no gym as it's shut a fair bit.

but i need to wake up and put the effort in. i have become so lazy, not only with my eating and exercising, but also with stuff around the house. with my girls. with my relationship.

i've made an appointment with my psychologist too. think i need to talk about some things which have happened of late.

so here's to getting back on track......!!