oh dear. oh dear oh dear oh dear.

so we're now at week 10 of the Michelle Bridges program.  And yet again i have failed.

i failed to follow the meal plans.

i failed to follow the exercise plans.

i failed to fully clean out my kitchen. 

i thought i wouldn't be tempted by the biscuits i kept for my girls.

and for the better part i wasn't.

all i do is self sabotage.

after the birth of bug, my way of coping with 2 little ones and being on my own a lot was to have a red bull and chocolate. every day.

that habit is still going, even though bug will be 2 in august.

and i thought i had the PND under control.

turns out i was wrong. the red bull and chocolate is a big bad expensive habit.

i actually think smoking is cheaper.

i haven't crunched the numbers. i am too scared of the truth.

so what has really kept me from achieving my goal? my goal for round 1 was to lose 7 kilos. 

i think my attitude of 'i don't really need to lose weight' has had something to do with it.  

for a while there, the better part of my wardrobe was fitting me. 

sure, i had a small muffin top going on, but i could hide it with the right clothing.

did i feel comfortable? NO.

i love exercise. i love the endorphin rush it gives me. step is my absolute favorite class.

i had started doing the lean & strong section of the program. 

i was enjoying the new way of using weights.

i loved seeing myself in the mirror, doing the lateral raises, or barbell curls. 

you could actually SEE my muscles. and boy, did they have some shape!

i have tricep muscle definition! the hardest muscle in the body to define, and i can SEE mine!

yes, i can only see it when i flex it, which i am not all that good at. but it's there!

so what went wrong?

i enjoyed cooking the meals. not all of them. 

love the cajun chicken with sweet potato wedges and avocado and tomato salad. mmmmm.

i honestly don't like cooking tho. i seriously couldn't be bothered half the time.

and that attitude has lead me to eating macca's more times than ever. 

so feeling a little lost, and also numb at what i need to do to get myself back on track.

i know what needs to be done - calorie count like a mathematician. 

get my hrm sorted out. bastard of a thing is failing me after 11 months! time for a service....

and just don't think. michelle speaks of 'paralysis but analysis'. boy. i get that big time!

it's easter this weekend.....i'm not going to say no to chocolate all together. 

time to put the food in the 'moderation' box of the health pyramid back to just that - moderation food, not everyday food!

i'm also going to be making sure i do some sort of movement over the long weekend. 

whether it's a run on my own, which i think i enjoy.....

no gym as it's shut a fair bit.

but i need to wake up and put the effort in. i have become so lazy, not only with my eating and exercising, but also with stuff around the house. with my girls. with my relationship.

i've made an appointment with my psychologist too. think i need to talk about some things which have happened of late.

so here's to getting back on track......!!

my ideal day....

things i'd do if i had a whole day (or more) to myself....

go to bed at a reasonable hour. and by that i mean around 8:30-9pm. 

be up at 5:30am to be at the gym at opening time - 6am. 

workout for an hour or so. 

go home and shower. eat a healthy filling breakfast. 

fruit salad and yoghurt. special k and fresh berries.

go back to the gym for the 9:30am class. 

my gym has great 9:30am classes each day of the week. 

maybe stay for the 10:30am class.

all depends on the day of the week.

shower and have some lunch.

go out - shopping. see my grandparents.

go to the movies. yeah i like the sound of that one.

been a long time since i went to the movies!

go home and surf the 'net. 

sort out the photos in iPhoto on my iMac.

they're all in there, just not in folders how i'd like them to be.

download so more music. rip music form my cds.

sort out the music on my iPhone and iPod.

cook dinner - be it cajun chicken kebabs 

or cajun chicken with sweet potato chips and salad.

i love adding cajun to the chicken.

mmmmm-mmmmm. does get a bit bitey after a few mouthfuls!

watch some trashy evening television.

i love the big bang theory.

i love desperate housewives.
i LOVE true blood.

i love friends.

sea patrol is starting soon too. final season tho. :( boo hoo.

go to bed and do some reading.

at the moment my reading choice is either women's health australia 

or 'weightloss warrior' by tiffiny hall

lights out at 9:30pm at the latest!

and then get up and do most of it again the next day.

now this would only ever happen in my little fantasy world 

where my husband can afford for our girls to go to daycare 

and for me to stay at home....

i'm allowed to dream tho!

excited for tomorrow.....!

tomorrow is sunday.....

playing on the trampoline together :)

husband has children in the morning. they make pancakes and eat them watching dora.

I get to sleep in.....or do a workout!

Plan for tomorrow....workout while hubby is home. Aiming to burn 1000 calories.

Reward for that - a shower!! Then make the weekly shopping list, head to the markets to get as much fresh fruit and veg as I can and then the supermarket for whatever else.

In whatever is left of the day....spending it with family. My cousin got her kitten. Gorgeous little black and white kitty. It's so tiny!!!

Looking forward to an awesome week - nutrition and exercise wise. Work and family wise too!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

over it! over it over it over!!!!!

i am sooooooooo sick of myself!

sick of the games i play.

sick of the habits i won't let go of!

we are up to week 7 in the 12wbt. and have i lost any weight, cleaned up my eating or stepped up my exercise? noooooooooo! why not? cos i'm a fat lazy ass that's why!!!!!

i have been given the gift of someone doing the meal planning for me....yet i still choose to eat crap.

i know what bad ingedients go in to fizzy drinks, especially red bull. yet i still drink them.

i hate how tired i am. i want to get up and exercise at 5am, yet i sleep through my alarm most of the time!

i hate the pimples my face keeps breaking out in. it's disgusting!

i hate how my mood swings so much. always thought that was just the way i was. nope, i think the food aids it a little bit! it sucks.

so i am now so far over it, over the fat rolls, over the bloated tummy, over the short-temperedness with the girls, over being unable to feel awake until i've had choclate and red bull. over putting crap in my body and expecting a different result!

so here's what i am going to do:

1. get organised. meal plans are released on thursdays. i will organised our meals, get the shopping list ready so as i can do the shopping for the week over the weekend. if there is a meal i don't eat, such as some of the seefood dishes, i will substitue them for a different fish meal i will eat which has the same amount of calories. same for lamb or chicken.

2. finish the book. i will finish reading 'sweet poison - quit plan' and apply it. cut the crap out cold turkey. i will also do this with the girls, and hubby if i can....and by that i mean i can't control everything he eats, so what i do have some say in and i will make sure it is good healthy food.

3. diarise. i will mark out each week, on a saturday night, when i am going to exercise, do the grocery shopping, clean the house, visit friends, everything. that way i can't use the excuse of 'i'm not organised'! this ties in with point 1.

4. i will cut down on the tv watching.  it's my biggest down-fall, simply because i can sit in front of it for the 2 hours after the girls go to bed until the agent gets home. it would be ok if i did things while watching tv like the ironing, but i don't. it also means i get to bed late because after watching the tv i then get up and do the things i need to do.

5. go to bed earlier. that way i can get up earlier and exercise! simply really! i also prefer the early morning. it's when the world seems all fresh!

6. use my 'it's all about me' journal. i will log what i eat. i will weigh all ingredients. i will calorie count. it's the only way i can stay on track and i bought the bloody book so i need to get my money's worth out of it!

7. listen to the mindset videos. michelle does 2 videos each week. one is a live feed with her answering questions put to her by 12wbt members. the other is a 'mindset' lesson. i will listen to all of these and apply them to my life and my situations where needed. eg - she did one last week on eating out. can definitely use that one!

i have 6 kilos to loose. i can loose that in 6 weeks, if i am strict on myself, cut the caffeine out of my diet, go to bed earlier and eat wholesome foods and not dead-calories. i love exercise.  i love the endorphins it produces!!!

right, time to get my shopping list organised......

ups and downs.....highs and lows....

my beautiful girls - ready for daycare, which was bug's first day

here's to a new week!

that's all i can say. after last week, i'm ready to sleep for a year to just have a new place to begin.

found out friday week ago that i was pregnant. we had all the usual feelings.....plus already?! i'm on the pill!! but it happened.

and then the bleeding started, and by thursday i'd miscarried.

i had stupidly thought that once you'd had kids, you didn't have miscarriages. i thought that they always happened BEFORE you had a successful pregnancy. obviously i was wrong.

i've gone from being sad and upset about what could have been, to angry. angry at my body letting me down. angry that it happened. and angry that i felt relieved. we were planning on falling pregnant again this year, just not so soon. so i feel relieved. and angry because i am relieved.

i want to just let go. i don't want to care any more about what i put in my mouth and just eat all the foods which make me feel better. at least, that's what the old me feels like doing.

the agent took me out for dinner on friday night, to my favorite restaurant - Millones. i ate too much and topped it off with sticky date pudding. i realised that as much as i love food, i don't miss the portion sizes i used to allow myself! and boy, was that a good thing to realise!!

so here's to this week. a brand new one. here's to kicking some calories in training. here's to my beautiful girls and i having fun and them having fun at daycare. here's to me getting back into the swing of things at work. and here's to my wonderful husband, who supported me through it all and loves me simply cos i am who i am - me.

new mind needed

she looks all sweet and innocent huh? nah-uh....i'm in for an ass-whooping!!

which is exactly what i need!

so i have joined the michelle bridges 12 week body transformation.

again. for the second time.

i did the third round last year. whilst i learnt a few new things, as well as collecting some yummy recipes, i don't think my head was in the right place about about be receptive the the information i was presented with.

well, this is gonna change this round!

i am over filling my body with crap. i love to exercise. LOVE it. yes some days, like today i can't be bothered. however today i did be bothered. i went to the gym and did body pump simply because i knew bug would love the time down in the creche. and she did - she keeps them on their toes by climbing on everything.

i feel good for having done the class, even if i did only burn 350 calories. to me that is a pathetic effort for pump. last week i was burning 450+ in a class. on thursday i will be adding more weight to my barbell during the tracks. i am loving the triceps and biceps tracks. for some reason i enjoy pushing those muscles more than anything!

so anyway, this round i am having an extremely open mind about the 12wbt. i can't wait for the mindset lessons with michelle, nor the first live video with her in week 1. we're in the preseason now, and are completing the preseason tasks.

oooooo it's exciting!

now to just get my feet sorted - darn blisters and orthotics. feet, why can't we just get along?!!!!

it's the small things

are YOU happy?

i am learning how to be happy with what i have.

i am someone who can very very easily go and give the credit card a workout trying to find that one piece of clothing which will help make and keep me happy. for some reason, spending money helps me to be 'happy'. not sure why. really must get to the root of this problem!

i have also noticed how simple things can help transform my mood.

music - certain songs get me dancing. thankfully the bubble hasn't learnt to laugh AT me when this happens. she just watches and often joins in.

the rain - although i miss the sunshine, i know how needed the rain is. coming from the country rain is welcome all year round!

5 o'clock in the afternoon - 2 hours till the girls are in bed and i get a little bit of time on my own before hubby comes home.

cuddles - with my mum. with my girls. with my brother. with my husband. 'nuff said.

so i'm going to keep on being happy with what i have. nothing will help me be happy.

apart from the chest of drawers i'm off to buy - that will solve the problem of husband's clothing being all over the floor! here's hoping it fits in our room!!!!!